September 2023 marked a pivotal moment in my ongoing quest for self-discovery. Having navigated two years of diverse experiences, each contributing to my growth, I found myself at a crossroads yearning for something more. The idea of a Vipassana retreat had lingered in the background, but apprehensions and excuses had kept me from taking the plunge.

In my pursuit of the unknown, I stumbled upon a unique opportunity – a 10-day course on Buddhism at Tushita Meditation Centre in Dharamshala. A silent retreat, sharing dormitories, learning from a monk, and immersing myself in meditation – it sounded simultaneously thrilling and daunting.

Conflicting emotions surfaced as I grappled with the idea of sharing a room and disconnecting from the outside world, especially my daughter. Yet, a deeper connection beckoned me, and I decided to seize the chance, paying the minimal deposit that aligned with Tushita’s philosophy of minimal expenses and donation-based sustenance.

As the day of departure loomed, excitement mingled with uncertainty. I embarked on my journey on Ganesh Chathurti, flying from Pune to Delhi and then onwards to Dharamshala, racing against time to reach by 1 pm on the 15th of September.

Arriving at Tushita, the serene pathway from the road to the monastery, adorned with pine trees and accompanied by playful monkeys, set the tone for what lay ahead. The reality hit as I joined a room filled with young souls, their average age hovering around 25-30. A female monk initiated us with an introduction, her words echoing, “Are you ready for this? This is your last chance to walk out of this place.”

Panic gripped me. The envisioned challenges – shared rooms, self-cleaning toilets, unpredictable weather, and the absence of communication devices – triggered anxiety. The looming sense of confinement brought forth a panic attack, forcing me to step outside twice, gasping for breath.

The internal battle between staying and leaving intensified as we learned more about the conditions. Standing in line for registration, surrounded by seemingly calm individuals, my anxiety reached its peak. In a desperate attempt to find solace, I attempted calls to friends and my daughter, but the low network thwarted my efforts.

Caught in the whirlwind of conflicting thoughts – fear of judgment, the pressure to live up to expectations – I faced a defining moment. Seeking support, I turned to a fellow participant, asking, “How are you feeling?” Her initial admission of nervousness struck a chord. “Really? You look so calm,” I remarked. She smiled and said, “I’m nervous, but I chose to do this.”           

Lesson No 1 unfolded – our ancient minds resist discomfort, programmed for familiarity. Yet, the realization that I had chosen this path empowered me.

A shift occurred. I acknowledged that Tushita wasn’t a jail; I held the power to leave if needed. With newfound confidence, I approached the registration desk, ready to embark on a journey of self-discovery, breaking free from the shackles of external expectations.

Stay tuned for Part 2, where the journey through Tushita’s silent retreat unfolds.

Our journey begins within the sacred walls of the monastery at the Gompa, a vast room adorned with statues of Buddha, Dalai Lama, and other revered Lamas. The atmosphere is unlike anything I’ve encountered before. The walls and ceilings are alive with colorful depictions, messages, and writings on Buddhism, creating a vibrant tapestry.

Tupten Wangdu, our teacher for the upcoming days, initiates our introduction. He introduces himself, and alongside him is Manuela, our meditation teacher. Wangdu, originally from Austria, shares his given name in Buddhism and reveals his transformative journey from a musician to a devout Buddhist. His encounter with Buddhism in Tushita in 2012 changed his life. No pressure on us, he assures with a playful smile.
Wangdu provides insight into Tushita and outlines the daily schedule we can anticipate for the next few days. The first day concludes with a meditation session, marking the beginning of our ten-day silent retreat.

Exiting the Gompa, I make my way to the shared dormitory, home to four individual beds and storage spaces. With care, I arrange my bed sheet and unpack my essentials, including a new table clock. Setting the alarm for 6 am, I prepare for the night.

Heading to the shared toilet block, shared between 3-4 dormitories, I encounter a minor setback – the boiler in my designated shower isn’t working. The cold water bath is an unexpected challenge on the first day. A common basin serves for brushing, and I retreat to my room.

As I sit on my bed, discomfort sets in, compounded by the prospect of shared toilets the next day. Anxiety starts to rise, but I recall the advice of our teacher – breathe through it. Embracing the breath, calmness washes over me, and lesson number two reveals itself – This too shall pass.

The next day starts with a quiet awakening, my eyes opening before the set alarm, revealing the time to be 5:30 am. With a deliberate slowness, I leave the room to navigate to the shared toilets, and then I find my way to the terrace above the Gompa for some morning stretching. Upon reaching the terrace, I notice a lady already engaged in Pranayama. I join in, initiating my practice. Over the next 45 minutes, others gradually arrive, each immersed in their own practice, creating a tranquil environment. The absence of verbal communication and the stillness of minds, solely dedicated to individual practice, make this experience truly unique.

Post-meditation, we head to our breakfast, a simple yet nourishing combination of porridge, fruits, bread, butter, and peanut butter. Despite not being a fan of peanut butter, it becomes a coveted element in every meal, surprisingly delicious. The emphasis on eating lightly and minimizing food waste is a constant reminder throughout our stay. Finding a spot in the outside seating area, I silently savor my breakfast amidst the cold wind and playful monkeys leaping from branch to branch.

Students take turns washing dishes as part of their karma yoga duties. After breakfast, I embark on a short walk within the expansive grounds of Tushita. Along the way, I encounter fellow students and curious monkeys. These walks quickly become a highlight of my daily routine for the next 10 days. There’s a unique enchantment in truly observing nature, being fully present, and appreciating the trees in a way I’ve never done before. Lesson number three gradually unfolds – the profound importance of being present and actively observing the beauty surrounding us.
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We then proceed to our first teaching class with Tupten Wangdu, delving into profound topics like “What is Happiness” and “What is mind” over the next three immersive hours. Prior to this course, my knowledge of Buddhism was limited, but as Wangdu eloquently imparts his wisdom, it becomes evident that Buddhism is a profound exploration of the mind and its profound impact on our lives. These enlightening teachings pave the way for our lunch, a daily affair of Indian cuisine accompanied by fresh fruits.

My designated Karma Yoga job follows lunch, involving the daily task of sweeping the outside dining area. While each student takes on different responsibilities, this becomes a reflective and meditative moment for me. Post this; I delve into the well-stocked library, exclusively filled with books on Buddhism and its teachings. The library becomes my sanctuary, a place where I can absorb and learn from various perspectives.

Afterwards, we would engage in group sharing sessions – a pivotal aspect I forgot to mention earlier. On the initial day, we were arbitrarily placed into groups of eight. Following the morning session, Wangdu would present three thought-provoking questions, and it became our collective responsibility to express what those questions meant to each of us. Strikingly, there was no room for casual conversation or the typical exchange of backgrounds. In fact, Wangdu explicitly advised against delving into our personal histories or the reasons behind our presence there.

So, on the second day, my group gathered beneath a sprawling tree. After exchanging brief pleasantries, we dived into each question one by one, unraveling the layers of our individual interpretations. Here, lesson number four unfolds as I realize the validity of each person’s perspective. In our everyday lives, we often cling to our opinions without truly understanding others. This experience became a poignant reminder of the need for empathy and an open mind.

Over the ensuing days, we immerse ourselves in profound learning’s, such as “Buddha’s life and the four noble truths,” “What is ignorance,” “What is attachment,” “Anger, cessation, and path,” “Karma,” “Precious life and awareness of death,” “Bodhichitta,” “Selflessness of persons,” and more. While it’s impossible to encapsulate each insight, the daily schedule includes 3-4 guided meditations, aligning with the day’s teachings, from day 2 to day 7.

Days 8 and 9 diverge from formal teachings, allowing us to absorb the knowledge through meditation. Seven to eight meditations are scheduled during these days, including a silent walk. On the 8th day, we embarked on a journey that would become the most beautiful walk of my lifetime. The destination was the retreat where monks lived, a tranquil half-hour stroll from the monastery. Equipped with walking shoes, umbrellas/jackets anticipating rain, and our trusty water bottles, we set out in silence, embracing mindfulness that allowed me to reconnect with nature in a way I had never experienced before.

The absence of chatter, phones, or cameras created a space for us to immerse ourselves fully in the surroundings. As we meandered along, a breathtaking panorama unfolded. A ridge offered a vantage point revealing snow-laden mountains in the far distance, juxtaposed with lush green hills nearby. The sun and moon shared the sky, and clouds floated both above and beneath us, creating a mesmerizing spectacle. It was undeniably the most beautiful sight I had ever beheld.

In a moment of shared awe, we halted in our tracks, resisting the urge to reach for our phones. Tears glistened in the eyes of some fellow students, smiles adorned faces, and an overwhelming sense of gratitude enveloped us. We absorbed the beauty, allowing it to imprint on our memories rather than attempting to capture it electronically.

During meditation that evening, a profound connection unfolded. I could vividly see, feel, and taste the mountains—the crisp air, the fragrances, the subtle sounds. As day 8 drew to a close, a new realization emerged. With just one more day left, I found myself grappling with withdrawal symptoms, an unexpected attachment to this sacred place. Lesson number five materialized – what the mind initially resists can, with time, develop a profound affection.
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Day 9 unfolds as an optional fasting day, a unique experience mirroring the monks’ way of life. After a simple breakfast, we commit to a 24-hour fast, sustaining ourselves solely with liquids throughout the day. It’s a glimpse into the monks’ lifestyle, a symbolic journey many of us choose to undertake. The day commences with an oath-taking ceremony, mirroring the same oaths the monks dedicate their entire lives to. It’s a poignant and beautiful experience, aligning ourselves with their commitment, even if just for a day.

Amid various meditations and the lightness of a near-empty stomach, our final day at Tushita draws to a close. The shared endeavor of fasting fosters a sense of connection, a deepening appreciation for the monks’ chosen path. As we reflect on the day’s experiences and the entirety of our time at Tushita, a profound gratitude fills our hearts, marking the culmination of a transformative and enriching journey.

The last day dawns, and we gather for our final meditation. As we proceed to breakfast, the time has come to conclude our silent retreat. Finally, I have the opportunity to meet and engage in conversation with my roommates and others. One of my roommates, who had been a silent companion throughout, had become a dear friend despite not uttering a single word during our silent retreat; we had exchanged pleasantries through smiles and silent gestures. It’s peculiar how I felt an age-old connection with him, a deep understanding that transcended spoken language. Tushita leaves me with a final, profound lesson – our bonds go beyond words, societal divisions, nationalities, or languages.

With this realization etched in my heart, I bid farewell to Tushita. The retreat imparts not just a wealth of lifelong learning’s but also leaves me with cherished memories and friends who now reside permanently in the chambers of my heart.